Letter to Celebrities Facing DUI Charges


Dear Celebrities Convicted of Driving Under the Influence:

It has come to my attention, as someone with absolutely no financial training or legal expertise, but with access to internet gossip forums and a simple, four-function calculator, that you could all potentially benefit from the services of a personal driver or chauffeur.

For example: Lindsay Lohan, you have been estimated to have a net worth of $7.5 million. I did a little research for you and found that you could hire a personal chauffeur for less than $35 an hour! I'm sure that's cheaper than the DUI fines you've been charged with.

This is a great middle ground between keeping a full-time driver on your payroll and trying to catch a taxi at 3 am when it's raining. (Please note that by offering this "middle ground," I am assuming you have already ruled out the option of driving under the influence of alcohol.)

Nicole Richie. Nicole, Nicole! Your DUI was particularly vexing to me, I must confess. It seems that, though I haven't quite figured out why, you are worth at least $2 million. If you'd rather spend that money on designer baby clothes than on a safe ride home, I'm sure your father (worth $200 million) could pitch in for chauffeur costs.

It might be in his best interest, especially if talent is one of those traits that tend to skip a generation.

As for you, Paris Hilton, your case struck me as ironically preventable. Doesn't your family own a hotel chain?

I'm no world traveler, but it's been my experience that hotels tend to attract an inexhaustible supply of people willing to drive others around for money. And couldn't you have just stuck to the hotel bar, anyway? I'm sure Mommy and Daddy could have scraped together sleeping arrangements when you got tired.

Kiefer Sutherland, let's talk for a minute. You were ranked among television's top ten highest-paid celebrities by AOL. If you don't want to interact with common chauffeurs, you could probably hire another celebrity to drive you around!

And Britney Spears-you seem to have as much trouble driving sober as you do when you're drunk. I'm no lawyer, but here's some advice: stop driving. Seriously. Get a cab, get a driver, or get a jet (which you can probably afford, since you've been estimated to be worth $150 million), but please don't get behind the wheel anymore.

I understand that the pressures of fame can be taxing and stressful, and that sometimes people make mistakes. But isn't there also pressure to stay thin? You could kill two birds with one stone and walk home!

In conclusion, let me reinforce my basic point. You're all rich. You can all afford drivers. Stop driving drunk.

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