Letter to Celebrities Facing DUI Charges


Dear Celebrities Convicted of Driving Under the Influence:

It has come to my attention, as someone with absolutely no financial training or legal expertise, but with access to internet gossip forums and a simple, four-function calculator, that you could all potentially benefit from the services of a personal driver or chauffeur.

For example: Lindsay Lohan, you have been estimated to have a net worth of $7.5 million. I did a little research for you and found that you could hire a personal chauffeur for less than $35 an hour! I'm sure that's cheaper than the DUI fines you've been charged with.

This is a great middle ground between keeping a full-time driver on your payroll and trying to catch a taxi at 3 am when it's raining. (Please note that by offering this "middle ground," I am assuming you have already ruled out the option of driving under the influence of alcohol.)

Nicole Richie. Nicole, Nicole! Your DUI was particularly vexing to me, I must confess. It seems that, though I haven't quite figured out why, you are worth at least $2 million. If you'd rather spend that money on designer baby clothes than on a safe ride home, I'm sure your father (worth $200 million) could pitch in for chauffeur costs.

It might be in his best interest, especially if talent is one of those traits that tend to skip a generation.

As for you, Paris Hilton, your case struck me as ironically preventable. Doesn't your family own a hotel chain?

I'm no world traveler, but it's been my experience that hotels tend to attract an inexhaustible supply of people willing to drive others around for money. And couldn't you have just stuck to the hotel bar, anyway? I'm sure Mommy and Daddy could have scraped together sleeping arrangements when you got tired.

Kiefer Sutherland, let's talk for a minute. You were ranked among television's top ten highest-paid celebrities by AOL. If you don't want to interact with common chauffeurs, you could probably hire another celebrity to drive you around!

And Britney Spears-you seem to have as much trouble driving sober as you do when you're drunk. I'm no lawyer, but here's some advice: stop driving. Seriously. Get a cab, get a driver, or get a jet (which you can probably afford, since you've been estimated to be worth $150 million), but please don't get behind the wheel anymore.

I understand that the pressures of fame can be taxing and stressful, and that sometimes people make mistakes. But isn't there also pressure to stay thin? You could kill two birds with one stone and walk home!

In conclusion, let me reinforce my basic point. You're all rich. You can all afford drivers. Stop driving drunk.

» Back to DUI Articles

PAID ATTORNEY ADVERTISEMENT: THIS WEB SITE IS A GROUP ADVERTISEMENT AND THE PARTICIPATING ATTORNEYS ARE INCLUDED BECAUSE THEY PAY AN ADVERTISING FEE. It is not a lawyer referral service or prepaid legal services plan. Total DUI is not a law firm.  Your request for contact will be forwarded to the local lawyer who has paid to advertise in the ZIP code you provide. Total DUI does not endorse or recommend any lawyer or law firm who participates in the network nor does it analyze a person's legal situation when determining which participating lawyers receive a person's inquiry. It does not make any representation and has not made any judgement as to the qualifications, expertise or credentials of any participating lawyer. The information contained herein is not legal advice. No representation is made that the quality of the legal services to be performed is greater than the quality of legal services performed by other lawyers. Any information you submit to Total DUI does not create an attorney-client relationship and may not be protected by attorney-client privilege. Do not use the form to submit confidential, time-sensitive, or privileged information. All photos are of models and do not depict clients. All case evaluations are performed by participating attorneys. To see the attorney in your area who is responsible for this advertisement, please click here or call 866-200-8052.

FLORIDA ONLY: Total DUI is considered a lawyer referral service in the state of Florida under the Florida Rules of Professional Conduct. By all other standards, Total DUI is a group advertisement and not a lawyer referral service.

If you live in Mississippi, Missouri, New York or Wyoming, please click here for additional information.